


Holding on

by dragonndoggod



Series: alt universe [59]
Category: Sex Pistols | Love Pistols
Genre: Confessions, I'm Bad At Tagging, M/M, Self Confidence Issues, a little tiny bit of angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-11-10
Updated: 2011-11-10
Packaged: 2018-08-14 15:59:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,979
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8020138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dragonndoggod/pseuds/dragonndoggod
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When asked about his relationship, Shirou can only tell the truth.  Emotions that want to burst through, he can’t do in front of his friends and he finds himself confessing to the moon, the only one who wants to hear his pain.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Holding on

It was late afternoon by the time he pulled away from the house, checking his watch as he hurried away from the train station and towards the front of the school he hadn’t been to in two years or so. By the time he approached the gates of the school, he slowed down when he noticed the two brothers and the now third year Tsuburaya Norio. Two of the three nodded in his direction as he approached, pressing a hand against his chest to stop his pounding heart. The friendly greeting that the younger cat gave, a smile that said it was okay, no one minded him running late. But the third one, blond and broad shouldered, Madarame Yonekuni, blue eyes flickered to him before the one he loved turned away. As if in defiance for his tardiness.

Sucking up the pain he felt at the lack of interest, Shirou slipped his bag off his shoulder to join the other bags that lay on the ground, waiting to be picked up by one of the restaurant workers. He couldn’t help the inkling of jealousy he felt at the tender way Kunimasa talked to the lightweight cat. The kind smile that told the world, told him, of the feelings the jaguar had for his partner. He was used to the jealous feeling, the possessiveness and the longing. Wanting what Kunimasa showered on Norio in private, the attention and the touches. It wasn’t Norio’s fault that the cat sometimes let it slip what the heavyweight did, speaking with dark coloring to his cheeks when he met up with him and Teruhiko. The knowing smile the bear wore and the way the two would talk together, almost comparing notes. And usually when that happened, he just had to hide the disappointment behind a small smile, waving away their apologies.

A look out of the corner of his eye, seeing Yonekuni watching his brother and Norio with an unreadable expression on his face, looking around and catching his gaze. He could only imagine h heard the swallow the blond take and wordless mutter under Yonekuni’s breath.

‘Don’t be down, Shirou,’ he murmured softly to himself, ‘at least he’s acknowledging your presence right now instead of down right ignoring you. Like he used to.’ He didn’t want to remember the way the blond’s gaze would see right through him. As if he was nothing but air that used to sit next to him in school. A time that he hoped would be pushed away with better memories.

“So, Shirou-sempai, I heard that you were one of the few to ace your exams this this summer.” Norio said, pulling him from his thoughts. He hadn’t known that Norio knew about his schooling nor the fact that the lightweight had broken away from Kunimasa’s side long enough to talk to him, seeing that the lightweight seemed to be more interested in learning more about the madararui world and of Kunimasa. Taking a deep breath, forcing a smile that didn’t feel right, Shirou nodded.

“That’s right,” he murmured, remembering back to all the times he studied with Yonekuni, “Madarame was more than helpful, though he was busy with his own exams. If it wasn’t for him, I don’t think I would have passed.”

“I’ve told you before, Iincho, you need to have more confidence in yourself.” The deep voice drawled for the first time, Yonekuni turning towards them. He never saw the look the blond shot Norio, as if the lightweight was a little to close for comfort. Since he didn’t see the look Yonekuni gave the cat, he also didn’t catch the glance the blond gave him.

“You’re right, of course,” a little laugh, his soul lifting as Yonekuni joined in, “though I wouldn’t know what to do if you weren’t there to cheer me on. It was your words tat kept me going, Madarame.”

He never knew Yonekuni could color from his words. In the sunlight, he could make out the faint color that crept along Yonekuni’s cheeks. Lips pressed in a hard line, as if the male was forcing himself from responding. It made him happy, rarely getting such a reaction, any reaction, gave his chest warm and giving him hope.

“By the way, Yonekuni-sempai, what time did you say they were picking us up?” Norio broke the silence that was slowly growing between them, leaving a pit of disappointment growing inside him. He could have used more of the comfortable silence between him and the blond, something that the cat seemed to ignored or at least, didn’t know. Blue eyes looked at his watch and the twitching of lips, the sound of a rumbling purr of an engine as a car slowed to a stop just feet from where they stood.

“I’d say, right about now, Noririn.” The slowly growing smile, knowing and smug that was shot towards Norio and then, the blond’s expression changed completely when Yonekuni glanced at him. If he didn’t know any better, Shirou would have said that Yonekuni’s expression was bashful. Almost as if he was getting a glance of how the blond used to be when he was younger and not so jaded. The sound of a car door opening and the familiar face of the older Inukai, worried lines prominent around tightly pressed lips. He could hear the apology that the middleweight dog gave and as he moved closer to the car, he gave a sigh of relieve when he felt the cool air washing over him. Longing to feel mo0re of the cool air, beads of sweat that had slowly started to form, slipping down the back of his neck. Glancing around, hoping that Yonekuni hadn’t noticed the fact that he was baking out in the heat. It seemed as though he was the only one affected by the heat, it took all his will not to give in and cool himself like others did.

A greeting before Inukai broke him away from his thoughts, the grumbling of Kunimasa could easily be heard. “Couldn’t you have brought a bigger car, Inukai? We’re going to be packed in a little too tight.” He didn’t hear the reply, only catching the shake of the dog’s head, not hearing the reply that the older man made. “Well, I hope you have th air on full blast. With three people packed in the back, it’ll be roasting.”

“Yes, yes,” it wasn’t hard to pick up the slight irritation that Inukai had in his voice, the man must be afflicted by the heat as well, even after leaving the cool car, “it’s the same car as last time, so the air is nice and cool.” Holding back the chuckle at the resigned tone of the older madararui, as if and probably was, used to Kunimasa’s demanding. Listening to the ordering of the nekomata as the heavyweight took charge of where they sat, handing his bag to Inukai with an apologetic smile and the knowing look returned before slipping into the car. He heard the words “Keep your hands to yourself.” The jealousy that rang with the jaguar’s words, wondering if Yonekuni would ever feel the jealousy that his brother felt and showed. The possessiveness that the dark haired male showed, a look out of the corner of his eye to see Yonekuni giving his brother an amused look.

A short time later, he found himself sitting in the back of the car, squashed between Yonekuni and Norio. A tight fit for two of the three, folding his arms uncomfortably across his chest, he was uncomfortable and too warm. Feeling his skin start to prickle and crawl, as though someone’s gaze pierced through the protection of his skin and was attempting to burrow deep in his body. Resisting the urge to shudder, to alert any and all of his discomfort, he avoided looking up. He knew that there was a dark gaze in the review mirror, Kunimasa gazing back at him. He couldn’t help the fact that Norio had dozed off as soon as they left. It wasn’t his fault that the at had started off by resting his head on window and then changed to resting his head on his shoulder, using him as a pillow.

“Fujiwara,” he couldn’t help the slight tremble that ran through his body at the dulcet voice, “do you think you could, well-” Words broken off as the blond glanced at him before turning away, the faint coloring to cheeks.

“Spit it, Yonekuni.” Kunimasa’s voice from the front broke the almost bashful air that Yonekuni was putting on. “From the way you’re going on, you’d think you were a girl.”

Bickering back and forth, turning and looking out of the closest window, breathing in the scent that belonged to the lightweight, though he caught a hind of what could only belong to Kunimasa. Telling him that the younger male was already taken. To keep his hands off of him and keep away. He didn’t see the narrowing of slitted blue eyes that turned from the front towards him. If he knew Yonekuni was looking at him like that, his heart would have speed up and all doubts and worries would have been temporarily put to rest at the jealousy that seemed to roll of the blond. And though he didn’t see the slight display, he felt the touch of a hand sliding up his thigh and further on his leg. Through the layer of clothing, his heart hammered in his throat, anxiously waiting for more. Hoping so deeply that Yonekuni’s hand would do more.

Maybe slid upwards and touch him the way he touched himself late at night. And as if the one next to him could read his thoughts, the hand paused briefly before pulling away and leaving with longing, all the while berating himself for getting his hopes up. Ever since the Christmas party, he had hoped that their relationship would move forward, evolve to the level of intimacy that he dreamed of. And instead of that, it had and still was, a slow trial. Almost as if they were only friends, testing the waters on a possible relationship, which seemed to be true. Once the squabbling died down, leaving the nekomata gloating and Yonekuni pouting, if the blond ever pouted in his life, which he didn’t think it ever happened.

“Madarame,” he didn’t catch the flinch at the use of his family name, “what was it that you were going to say?”

Blue eyes towards him, pupils slitting even more, the only revelation of the blond’s true nature. His eyes flickered down, catching the parting of lips and the dash of a pink tongue as the heavyweight licked his lips. The low chuckle, low enough that he thought he only imagined it.

“I…. I can ask later, Fujiwara. It’s just, I want to use the time that we’ll have to-” He didn’t hear the rest of Yonekuni’s words over the sound of the horn blaring, car swerving and the cursing that Inukai gave.

“Wha-what did you say?”

Rumbling from the back of Yonekuni’s throat, resembling the frustration that his boyfriend must be feeling at the interruption. “It can wait,” words mumbled as the blond rested his head against the window, “since every time I try to tell you, I get interrupted.” A loud yawn and words murmured. “It’s not that important anyway.”

What was it Yonekuni wanted to ask him? It must have been important if Yonekuni got into an argument with Kunimasa. Sure, the dark haired male had teased Yonekuni, and though it was teasing, that was the way brothers interacted, right? The teasing words, though he could guess were somewhat hostile, but that was the relationship the two had. Was it something that Yonekuni was ashamed to ask in fear of more teasing? In knowing Yonekuni for so long, Shirou had never seen the blond fear anything, so that couldn’t be it. Could it? Giving his head a little shake, pushing thoughts away. Yonekuni wouldn’t appreciate him thinking that he, Yonekuni, feared anything.

Soft, slightly slurred giggling in his ear, words that vaguely resembled Kunimasa’s name. Biting his tongue when the cat nuzzled closer, pushing his head a little harder into his shoulder, as if Norio was trying to find a comfortable spot to continue sleeping.

“If he starts touching you, Fujiwara, go ahead and wake him up.” Words came from the front of the car as Kunimasa looked over his shoulder, leaving him surprised. He thought with the dark looks that the jaguar had been giving him, warning him not to touch the can. But instead of him being warned, it was for Norio. His confusion must have shown on his face as Kunimasa explained further. “I know you wouldn’t touch him, Fujiwara. It’s that Norio can’t control himself at times. Especially when he sleeps. If this car was bigger, you wouldn’t be subjected to Norio’s “nighttime curiousness”. Though right now, he seems rather curious to know more about your relationship with Yonekuni.” The knowing look and the half smile the heavyweight gave him, a silent warning, letting him know that the lightweight was going to ask and pry about his relationship. The slight nod before the nekomata turned back in his seat. Feeling the heat of a gaze on him, though now just acknowledging it, having felt it when Kunimasa was talking to him. Looking out of the corner of his eyes, hoping to catch Yonekuni in the act only to see blue eyes close.

‘I must have imagine it,’ he told himself silently. Maybe it was nothing more than wishful thinking, his mind tricking him into thinking Yonekuni was looking at him with want. Holding back the sigh, he hoped the drive wouldn’t take too long.

~

‘Nothing,’ he thought to himself, ‘could make the heat of the day leave fast enough.’ Within two days of arriving at the restaurant, summer had kicked into full gear, blasting the city with a heatwave that no one had ever experienced in years. Under the blazing sun, Shirou knelt on the grass, trying determine weeds from actual grass. Droplets of sweat on his skin was his only hope of cooling off as he glanced up to the sky. With the hopes of a summer storm that was promised to come later that night, Shirou could only pray for it to come sooner. When he first gotten the assignment from Karen, he had to hold back his displeasure. He shouldn’t and couldn’t complain, not with the woman. Deep down, it felt as though the woman was giving him the most time consuming work, easy as it was. And he didn’t mind it, not really. He enjoyed the outdoors, the feel of the wind on his skin, a welcoming sort of breeze. The only thing was, there hadn’t been a hint of breeze in hours.

Hands grass stained and throat dry, a hint of dizziness that had him bracing himself on the ground. Fingers slipping through the hot and dry grass, gripping the green strands. Bowing his head and licking his dry lips, trying to ease the feel of the slight start of sunburn around the edges of his lips. It was the call of his name in a familiar voice that had him looking up and off to the side. Blinking away the sweat that started dripping into his vision before lifting his stained hand to wipe away the fluid. Attention turned to the caller, the outlined form through his dirty glasses, he could see Shinobu holding a tray in his hands. Welcoming relief filled him, he pushed himself up from his kneeling position before slowly making his way to the shaded area, attempting to keep his balance.

“Take a break, Fujiwara-kun.” The low rumble of his instructor’s voice had him agreeing as soon as he reached to the older male’s side. “You looked as though you were about to pass out from the heat.” I don’t know what she was thinking in assigning you to work under the direct sun in this heat, especially since your body temperature is higher than anyone’s here.”

He hesitated in saying anything in response, glancing back at the chore he was given. Though he agreed to what the man was telling him, he was reluctant in voicing his displeasure. He was almost finished anyway. If, he bit his lip, almost finished was still a few hours of work left to do. Yonekuni’s older brother was right, even in the shade that the overhang provided, he could feel the trickle of sweat making it’s way down the back of his neck in imitation rivers. And though he was tired from the work he had done and the heat, he found himself downing the glass of water rather quickly. Feeling the cold water burn and sooth his lips and parched mouth, slipping down his throat in a feeling that resembled ecstasy in the way it made him tremble. Taking the picture from the amused snake, pouring himself another glass before setting the pitcher down. Rubbing the now full and chilled glass across his forehead, enjoying the sensation that he got from the feeling, flushing in embarrassment when he noticed that Shinobu had been watching him. Murmuring an apology, trying not to look into Shinobu’s knowing eyes, wondering how and why he seemed to be screwing up lately.

“Wh-” he shook his head, swallowing and trying once more. “Thank you, Shinobu-san,” he started, finishing off the glass of water he held in his hand, “for the water.”

“That was actually Yonekuni’s idea. He brought out the water and something else while you were working. I’m surprised you didn’t notice him.” The shake of long hair and the sound of irritation, it seemed that he wasn’t the only one being affected by the heat. “In fact, he should have been working the floor instead of waisting time watching you.” The words held no venom and yet, he could sworn he felt a chill as he took in the expression that the auburn haired male wore. Rolling the words over in his mind, Yonekuni had been watching him and he didn’t even notice. Chewing himself out, he felt his heart race, just a enough to make the day better and the heat more bearable.

“Do you know where he is? I-er-” he scratched at th back of his neck, wincing at the slick feel of sweat on his skin.

“Are you asking if I know where Yonekuni is?” Shinobu asked, his usual expressionless mask that he wore held a hint of amusement when he nodded. “No, at this moment, my best guess is that Yonekuni went back to work. I have to say, Fujiwara-kun, you’re more dedicated to him than I originally thought.” Through he couldn’t see the humor in Shinobu’s words, it didn’t stop the snake from chuckling. “Yonekuni is lucky to have you, Fujiwara-kun. Though, you should really know your limits.”

The flick of fingers against the ears on top of his head, ears that he hadn’t realized slipped out. Scrambling to pull his soul back in, mortified that he lost such control over himself in the heat. He didn’t remember handing the glass back to Shinobu while he checked to make sure that he got both his ears and reaching behind himself, swatting at the air to make sure that his tail hadn’t slipped out as well. Never noticing the man bending over to pick up a bag that had been laying on the ground just a few steps away.

“Here, take this and get changed.”

He paused for a moment before taking the bag that was shoved at him. Glancing inside, seeing several neatly, folded pieces clothes that still had the tags attached. “I… I didn’t bring these clothes.” He looked up confused, the twitching of Shinobu’s lips were the only indication of amusement.

“Just get changed and take the rest of the afternoon off. Yonekuni will have a fit if he knew you nearly passed out in the heat.”

“But, what about-”

“You mean the duty given to you?” A nod in the direction towards the area where Shirou had been working earlier. He nodded, licking his lips. He didn’t want to be considered lazy by Karen, not when her family went through the trouble to help him.

“Don’t worry about it. I’ll explain it to mother later, I’ll make sure someone gets it done. For now, get changed and cool off. I don’t want to be blamed for the extinction of Japan’s last wolf.” The shooing like motion of a hand, Shirou inclined his head in a slight nod and held the bag close to his body before turning and slowly started to make his way towards the rooms that he and the others had be assigned.

~

Under the spray of cool water, enjoying the way the water cooled off his heated skin. He wished that it could have been cold, but with the summer being so hot and the water turned on the coldest setting, the water was only cool and not cold. And in a few minutes, it would become warm. Washing away the sweat and grim from his body, the day’s work nothing but a memory as the water slipped down his body and down the drain. If Yonekuni were to ask, he would admit that he had such a fantasy of being washed by another. Large hands that would caress his back gently, covered in soap before washing away the soap and showing him the ways of a lover. Almost timidly, his hand slipped up towards his chest, slowly rubbing his thumb against his nipple. Biting his lip as he felt the flesh stiffen only to rip his hand away at the loud knocking on the door, pulling him from the start of his fantasy. Ducking his head under the spray of cool water to hide the flush that he knew decorated his cheeks, he faintly heard the sound of the door opening and the sound a voice calling out.

“Shirou-sempai?”

Looking over his shoulder, he could only make out the outline of the younger male without his glasses, but he didn’t need them to know that Norio stood behind him before moving off to another shower just a few feet away.

“I didn’t think you were done with the yard, Shirou-sempai. I mean, removing all the weeds by hand takes hours.” The hiss of water turning on and racing to escape the pipes, the sound of barely hidden fear as thee nekomata ducked his head under the water. Even after all this time, Norio still hadn’t gotten over his fear of water. “You must have worked really fast to be done by now. Last time I had to do it, it took me hours.” The envy and the laugh that Norio gave, reliving the memories of the first time they came to the restaurant. He could only murmur in agreement, it wasn’t like he could actually tell the cat what happened. But then, he never thought that Shinobu would let slip or the fact that there would be questions about his relationship or lack there of.

Later that night, dismissed from working the restaurant. Slow as it might have been for a hot, summer night, only Yonekuni had been kept back to work the floor while the rest could enjoy a rest. The room that Kunimasa managed to snag while Hidekuni joined them, carrying drinks that he brought, was wide enough to fit the six of them comfortable. Kunimasa’s younger brother seemed determine to join them, despite Norio’s glare to the other cat and the younger Inukai that Manami had dragged with him. He had to hide his chuckle, the possessive grasp the cat had on the akita dog and the resigned look Taro wore. Leaning up against the wall, close to a corner in order to catch a breeze from the open Shoji screen. From where he sat, he could see the trees and the moonlight that struggled to break through the clouds that started to build in the storm that everyone had been waiting for. As though in hopes to break the heatwave that had been plaguing them.

Drinking slowly, enjoying the slight breeze that picked up and the hint of rain that he could taste on his tongue, the talk turned towards him.

“Say, Fujiwara, everyone’s been wondering how things are going with you and Yonekuni. I mean, we know,” the nod towards Norio, “that the both of you are “dating” but does he love you?” The pressing of lips from the nekomata, and the gasp from the lightweight at Kunimasa’s side. The sound of a smack as Norio’s hand made contact with the jaguar’s shoulder.

“How can you say that, Kunimasa?” The harsh whisper, one that the light weight must have meant to make low enough so he wouldn’t hear but he heard anyway. The apologetic look Norio gave him. “I’m sorry, Shirou-sempai. Kunimasa confused my words from earlier. I was wondering how things are going with Yonekuni. We never know how things are with the two of you.”

Shirou glanced away from the curious looks the group were giving him before looking down. He hadn’t thought something like this would come up. The questions that he wasn’t expecting. Sure, Kunimasa warned him before they arrived, but he didn’t think it was something like this. Taking a deep breath and then another, he tried to answer without breaking down.

“I love him and have. Right now, it doesn’t matter if he doesn’t love me back. I’m-,” forcing a smile and ignoring the prickling of tears that started to build, “I’ll wait and watch him from afar. If he doesn’t want a relationship, there’s nothing I can do for him.” The silence as his friends took in what he said while he sipped from his glass. The hand on his shoulder as Hidekuni looked down at him before sitting next to him. Neither saw the exchanging of glances between the other four.

“Is..this what you truly feel, Shirou?” The question asked softly as the blond looked at him. He wanted to say that no, it wasn’t how he felt. That he wanted to go up to the stubborn heavyweight and ask him questions that he longed to hear. He only nodded his head.

“Yes, it is. Hidekuni-kun, I’ve been waiting patiently for years, I can wait longer.”

The conversation seemed to become awkward as the group tried to get over what had been asked of him, he smiled a few times and laughed once, though his heart wasn’t in it. He was content on swallowing back the pain and hide the tears that still lingered in his eyes.

~

He didn’t know what time it was pushed the door to his room open, stepping outside into the warm summer night. A glance up and down the open hallway, moving slowly in the dark. Trailing his hand along the wall, making the turns that he knew would lead him to the open area where he was working earlier that day. Away from the wall and onto the grass, feeling the dew of the late night cooling his feet, a warm breeze softly blowing as the crescent moon bathed the world, giving him just enough light to see the leaves of the trees dancing. For a moment, the clouds of the passing storm hid the moon before he tilted his head to glance up at what stars managed to show through the clouds, to do what his ancestors have done for many generations. Swallowing thickly, he closed his eyes.

“Why can’t you accept me?” He whispered thickly as tears welled up behind closed lids, slipping down his cheeks, finally escaping. Tears that he forced back. “I’m here for you and yet, you can’t see me as a lover, only as a friend. A classmate.”

He didn’t here the soft footsteps in the grass as the one in his thoughts and dreams slowly approached him from behind. No, he only felt the gentle caress of the breeze as it wrapped it’s self around him, comforting him. He longed to give in and be like the ones in the wild. To call out and cry out his sadness. To howl to the moon of his worries and lost.

Nearly jumping when he felt strong arms wrap around him from behind, cool hands sliding into the opening of his yukata and resting against his chest. Fingers splayed, pulling him closer.

“But I do, Fujiwara. It’s just,” a soft nose rubbing along the side of his neck and the warm puffs of air against his skin, “you don’t seem to notice.” The chuckle against the back of his neck while warm air tickled his skin. “You haven’t noticed at all, have you? It’s okay. You’re a little dense, but that’s what makes you special.”

Breathing deeply, he closed his eyes as he leaned back into the strong body. Fingers that he dreamt about stroked his skin under his yukata, thrumming his body to the rhythm of harsh breathing behind him.

“Why… why can’t you love me back, Madarame?” He asked softly, looking up into sky and the moon that had broken free of the clouds. The relaxing feeling against his back, as though the blond wasn’t surprised or offended by his question.

“I can’t start loving you back, Fujiwara, because I’m already in love with you.”

The words he had been waiting for, whispered in his ear as his body was pulled closer into the curve of Yonekuni’s body. An inhale and a sound of pleasure, as though the heavyweight was reassuring himself with his scent. He stood there, enjoying the touch of Yonekuni’s hand and the way arms just wrapped around his body in a slow sway that only nature knew.


End file.
